


The Gay Wizard's Best Friend

by Odd_ysseus



Series: What Ever Happened to Happy Endings? [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Double Entendre, Harry is Horrified, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Or more like an After Credits Scene, Sequel to Good Yule, Short One Shot, Sirius Black Lives, Sirius is serious, the birds and the bees
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2018-06-18
Packaged: 2019-05-24 22:44:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14963612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Odd_ysseus/pseuds/Odd_ysseus
Summary: Sirius needs to have a serious talk with Harry.





	The Gay Wizard's Best Friend

            Harry knocked on the door of Remus’s office, wondering whatever the man could want.  The summons had come via Hedwig, waking Harry up for an earlier morning than he had planned.  He heard the call of “Come in” nearly immediately and pushed the door open.

            He nearly turned around and walked back out again.

            Sirius was sitting behind Remus’s desk, looking so solemn Harry knew he was planning something evil.  Remus, sitting in a chair a little off to the side, only confirmed Harry’s suspicions.  He was holding a cup of tea and looked nearly as solemn as Sirius, except his mouth was twitching at the corners.  Harry had the sudden and intense feeling that Remus was finally going to follow through on punishing Harry for threatening blackmail.

            “Have a seat, Harry.  We need to have a talk,” Sirius said.

            The door shut behind Harry, followed by a squelching noise that told him he was locked inside.  Harry glared at Remus, who was sipping on his tea and not looking at Harry while slipping his wand back into his robes.  With the enthusiasm of someone going to the gallows, Harry walked over and sat in the chair in front of the desk.

            “So, what are we talking about?” Harry asked hesitantly.

            “Well, it’s not so much _a_ talk, Harry,” Sirius said, “as it is _the_ talk.  The Facts of Life.  The Birds and the Bees.” Sirius paused for a second in thought while Harry stared in growing horror. “Well, I guess it’s just the bees in this case, isn’t it?”

            “This really isn’t necessary, Siri,” Harry tried to protest. “Me and Cedric haven’t – “

            “’Cedric and I’,” Remus corrected innocently.

            “But you will,” Sirius said insistently. “Or if not with him, then with some other bloke or possibly even a bird.  Trust me, it’s better to get the talk out of the way now.  Better than learning by doing like Moony and I did, anyway.”

            Remus winced, which Harry thought served him right.  At the same time, Harry really didn’t want to know what that wince meant but was sure he was close to finding out.

            “Now, last night I did the liberty of compiling a list of subjects we absolutely need to go over.” Sirius pulled out a roll of parchment, which unrolled to be far _too_ long in Harry’s opinion. “I decided to start off nice and easy, to ease you in gently.”

            There was something in the inflection of Sirius’s voice that said there was a joke hidden in that sentence, but Harry couldn’t think of what it was.

            “Oral.” Sirius began with no preamble. “The gay wizard’s best friend and the only type of homosexual intercourse where the receiving hole is self-lubricating.  Perfect for when you’re going for a quickie and neither you nor your partner have any lube on you and can’t be buggered to conjure any.”

            Harry stared at the desk, wondering how hard he’d have to bash his head against it to knock himself out.


End file.
